If you ever want to know how predictable a human being can be…
Leave them for 6 months, then visit. I did that today when I got a phone call from a former friend, Stephen. I feel its best to maintain balance in life, so cutting someone out completely maybe isn’t the best thing.
Today was one of my better days, so I went over to his mom’s house upon request to see his family. They were all shocked by my weight and shape (YUSSS) and at the actual change I’ve made in my life.
Side-note:
I feel that I do something difficult for most people. When I realize a weakness in myself (not the initial weakness, but the continued cycle that you can’t always see), I do everything in my power to change it. I can guarantee you those changes have been authentic in me. I may trip over the same roadblocks from time to time, but I know the cycle is there… down to the most basic behaviors that reinforce it and I have successfully eliminated some of my weaknesses for now. It would border arrogance to say I have completely eliminated some weaknesses because anyone who has ever truly seen themselves in the mirror, knows that there are certain flaws in us that just continue to manifest in new ways throughout life and we can except them and let them rule us or recognize them enough to live with them, but not be victimized by them.
Anyway…
I chatted with Stephen and his family for an hour or so and then he left and I continued to talk with his mother and step-father. At the end of all of the conversation, all that I found was that only one true change had happened with my former friends. I cared less.
There was no difference, no stories, and no success… just the same mediocre failure to see life for what it is… SHORT AND MEANINGLESS. Life is always going to let you down and disappoint you, until you engage it! Don’t deal with life, but make life deal with you! (Steps off of soapbox)
I am proud of the change I have made, but I am not nearly done. Today proved to me that the judgements I have made recently have been the correct ones. After all of this time and wondering about those people and what I could have missed, I realized that nothing they have done could’ve put more than a momentary smirk on my face and I prefer the type of happiness that is built to last a lifetime… the kind I am in the process of building.
To steal an idea from a great movie, “Happiness is not something that can truly be had… only pursued… and in that pursuit, is life.”
I wish my words were strong enough to truly capture what I feel, but I am merely a 22 year old with thoughts like an abyss.
